Scarring Jasmine-Chapter Thirty Four Miscarriage

11/01/2024 Friday 54-80F Cloudy

Jasmine noticed that all of a sudden, her jewelry box became crowded. She checked it thoroughly, then came to the bed and shouted at Zhao, who was still asleep.

“Where are my earrings?”

“What’s wrong with you? I am sleeping!” Zhao covered his head with blanket.

“Where are my earrings?” Jasmine flung open the blanket.

“Which earrings?”

“You know which ones I mean!”

“The pearl ones from that pretty guy?”

“Yes!”

“I pawned them.”

“Why?”

“You smoke too much opium; I don’t have extra money to pay for it. So I pawned them.”

Jasmine didn’t say anything but walked to the living room and started to pack her things.

“What are you doing there?” Zhao followed her and asked.

“Go home!”

“Which home?”

“My mother and brother’s home!”

“It is not your home anymore. You are a married woman. Here is your home!” 

“I am done with you, I can stay here no more! You are too disgusting!”

“Don’t be so willful! You are no longer that rich man’s concubine, and I am positive that your family can’t afford your expensive opium.”

“You caused them to be in this situation! And you know you are guilty; you avoid them all the time. You’d rather spend a lot of efforts to find Qian’s address from the matchmaker than ask them!” 

“Nobody is innocent here! They traded you for money and you betrayed me! Don’t bite the hand that feeds you! You’d better be quiet if you want your opium!”

“I will quit it!”

“You? I don’t believe it. And let me remind you of something: As long as I don’t give up on you, nobody will dare marry you. You even can’t walk out of this house without my permission!”

“Why can’t you leave me alone and give me peace? I never loved you; I liked you before, but it was a long time ago. You lied to my family and ruined us; you pushed me away when I was ill; you raped me in the mule cart—You have lost all your chances to make me not hate you! What’s the point to stick me here? I disdain you more and more day after day!”

Zhao’s face turned pale. He stared at Jasmine, “You love him, that pretty man, do you?”

“Yes!”

“So is this another reason why you hate me, because I made him divorce you?”

“Yes! If you are a man, you should let me go!”

“I would rather not be a man. You are my trophy. Because of you, I successfully challenged both Wang and Qian, one has power and the other one has money. Perhaps with Wang, I was just lucky since that pretty guy whom you love threw you out right away. If the game could continue, I wasn’t sure whether I would win the final or not; But Qian, I definitely beat him much easier than I thought I could. The formula for a man’s success is: Guts, fists and luck--I earned everything by them, especially you. Your existence will always remind me of my achievements, motivate me to go on and take the best of what I desire. That is why you will be the last thing on which I will give up.”

Looking at Zhao’s bright shining eyes, Jasmine became desperate. She lay on the daybed and turned her back to Zhao. Some golden morning rays shone on her face through the windowpane. Another spring had come; the birds were chirping cheerfully outside on the trees—Their world was much worthier than hers.

Jasmine felt that her life was hopeless, dark, and meaningless. So far, she had three marriages, in all of which she was caged like a little bird. But there were also differences: When she lived in Wang’s house, it was cold and lonely; yet she and her family had respect, and she dreamed that one day perhaps her husband would treat her nicer so they would live like most other couples. At that time, her father was still alive; her brother was a healthy decent man; and her mother didn’t complain that much. Now when she looked back, that part of life was like paradise, which she could never have again!

With Qian, even though she was just his concubine, at least he liked her and was tender to her. Regardless of the vain titles and her potential fears, it could be her most settled period. That little two storied building, that lotus pond, those lonesome yet bright days were all memorable. Perhaps because nobody including herself set any expectation for her, she seriously considered it her home, where she could have a long, long, peaceful life.

The marriage with Zhao was absolutely a disaster. He was shadowed by his unfortunate childhood memory, so he lacked security and let his ambition overtake him. He was a disruptor; he would always want to climb higher, challenge one mountain after another to fulfill his goals, even if he might hurt others; he would never stop for her. As he just said, she was nothing but his trophy. How ruthless it was!

So what was left in her life? Nothing but a muddy pond from which she just couldn’t get out. What did she do wrong? She didn’t deserve these frustrations. All she wanted was just a simple petty life, with a man she loved and a few children. Was this expectation too high? Or fate was just too stingy to give it to her? She had been sincere with each relationship, no matter whether it was her choice or not; and she didn’t believe that she ever made any willful decisions, so who should be responsible for her current situation?  

“Madam, it is time for opium. Should I start to prepare it for you now?” Chunxiang asked.

The golden morning rays had disappeared; her face looked darkened. “Yes please.” She answered.

In April, Jasmine miscarried a baby. After diagnosing, the doctor pulled down his round rimmed glasses a bit so he could look at Zhao directly with his eyes, as if he wanted to see his face clearer and remember it: “This madam had been pregnant for more than two months, but it seemed like during the pregnancy, she still smoked opium; and,” he stopped to clear his throat, “you as the husband, shouldn’t have had any intimate indoor movements with her, nor made her irritated.” He packed up his things, once more scooted a meaningful glance at Zhao, whose face had thoroughly turned red, “Remember all these three things the next time.” 

Jasmine lay in bed motionless. After the doctor left, Zhao came to the bed and was angry: “Why didn’t you tell me that you were pregnant? I was the father, I ought to have known it!” Jasmine turned her head away. Zhao forced it back: “You did it on purpose, right? You want me to suffer!” Zhao stopped, went out to the next room and soon returned. He threw something onto Jasmine’s pillow: “Here are your stupid earrings! For them, for that pretty guy, you killed my child. Don’t forget, he didn’t love you! You meant nothing to him! If you still want to kiss his ass, go look for him, right now! I won’t stop you!”

Jasmine didn’t move. Then suddenly Zhao knelt by the bed, held Jasmine in his arms and begged: “Why can’t you forgive me? Everything I did was for you. Look, now we draw even. Let’s drop the baggage of the past and start from today. I am your husband, you are my wife; we will live like all other couples, no argument, no resentment. If you can’t love me, that’s ok, I will compromise and accept it. But I do want very much to have our children. I am nearly thirty; I am keen to be a father; and you are my only woman. If you think I deserve more punishment from you, go ahead, I will give you one more chance: Do whatever you like to me, I won’t defend myself. But afterward, you won’t punish yourself and our children to torture me. Is this deal ok? You must answer me!” 

Jasmine gave Zhao a disdainful glance, “I don’t want to have children with you!”

Zhao punched a big vase standing on the bed table furiously, in an instant it was smashed into pieces and blood ran out among his fingers. He slammed out. 

Since that day, he started to bring various women home, sometimes there were more than one. Jasmine could hear them making all sorts of great noises from next door, but she remained silent. On some occasions Zhao would dine with them in the garden, and he intentionally asked the maids to set the table close to her window. 

“Madam, should I draw the curtains for you?” Chunxiang asked in embarrassment.

“No need, leave them open so the fresh air can get in.” She leaned against the table, continuing to puff on her pipe. 

“Get your hands off my breasts please, haven’t you had enough? Someone is in that room; she can see us!” The woman pretended to be annoyed by Zhao. 

“Don’t worry, she is a poppy eater, and functions no more than one block of wood!”

“You are too bad, speaking ill of a woman.” She giggled, “Who knows what you will say about me to others? Last time you promised that you would buy me a pearl necklace, where is it?” 

“I will go get it for you now, stay here!”

Zhao kicked Jasmine’s door open, walked to her dresser directly, and searched in the jewelry box. Then he held that large pearl necklace in his hand, came to the front of Jasmine: “I will gift it to someone who is more suitable to wear it, is it ok for you?” Jasmine didn’t respond. He stared at Jasmine for one minute, then strode out.

“How is this one?” Zhao smiled charmingly at that woman. 

“Wow, it is beautiful! You are so generous!” The woman kissed Zhao’s cheek, “Could you please put it on me? I can’t wait to see it!” 

Zhao rose from his chair to fasten the necklace on the woman’s neck; at the same time, he secretly peeked at the window: Jasmine had finished her pipe and seemed to doze off on the daybed.

“It doesn’t look good on you.” Zhao took off the necklace resentfully, “I will buy you something else in the future.” 

“Why? But I like it.” The woman was surprised to see Zhao change his mind so soon. 

“It’s not yours!” Zhao answered.