Scarring Jasmine-Chapter Twenty Four Family

08/24/2024 58-84F Sunny

It was a rainy day in March. After cleaning the kitchen and fetching water, Jasmine hung a bamboo basket on her arm, opened an oil canvas umbrella, and walked out.

That day was her father’s birthday; she was going to visit his grave and bring him some liquor. 

In her basket, a little jug of liquor was covered under a white cloth, as well as some paper money. Jasmine walked along the lane, which usually was noisy and crowded with all sorts of people. But right now it was quiet, no passers-by, only the rain fell silently.

She and her family moved into Little Rock Lane last April, right after she recovered from her cold. Thanks to Zhao’s twenty gold coins, her family could afford to find a doctor for her. Then the house where they had lived for twenty-five years Moye Lane was due; they had to pawn that pair of gold bracelets which Little Red gifted to Gao to pay their new house’s rent.

It was the most miserable period: Suddenly they from a well-off family became poor and rootless—No source of income, no home. They were forced to abandon their memories and redefine themselves. Shen didn’t like the house in the Little Rock lane at all—It was dark, small, and noisy. From day to night, the street vendors’ calls, the neighbor kids’ cries, the dogs’ barks… all sorts of noises could be heard clearly in the house. Shen stayed in her room all day long, keeping her window and door shut. Due to the lack of sun and fresh air, Shen always felt stuffy in her chest. She complained every day that illness often accompanied poverty, thus in such a house she wouldn’t live long.

But what else could they do? They couldn’t afford any better one. Each month they had to pawn something for the rent: The clothes, the jewelry, the fine china, the furniture…then with the rest of the money from their pawns, they struggled to exist.

Shen refused to go out; she didn’t want to be seen by any of her old acquaintances. However, she couldn’t escape from another nightmare: A Feng, Jasmine’s wet nurse who was fired by Shen fourteen years before, also lived in this lane, and owned her own house. Shen never thought that one day she would be jealous of a maid, but now she was, and felt hurt. Therefore, she became crankier. Her mood was as unpredictable as a summer storm; her sensitivities made her nervous about everything. Even a stranger’s laughter sounded like it was  mocking her. Her impatience enlarged tiny things, therefore she scolded Mumei and Jasmine whenever she liked. 

Yes, to her, they both deserved her criticism: Mumei was a cripple so he couldn’t find a job. He contacted quite a few of his father’s friends, expecting to get some sort of job from them considering their old relationship. But they all excused themselves. When a man was rich, the whole world could be his ally; while once he became penniless, nobody knew him. So Mumei had to stay at home teaching his daughter reading and writing, and sometimes helping Jasmine with simple housework. 

In spite of the fact that she had learnt to do housework quickly, and she alone almost did all of it, Shen still believed that Jasmine was guilty--she was the cause of the family’s misfortune. If she didn’t give Zhao her fingernail, then Yu wouldn’t have divorced her; if she didn’t agree to marry Zhao, then Pox-Faced A San wouldn’t have invaded their lives and brought them trouble and tragedy. Of course, Shen selectively forgot her own role in the past that contributed to the present. So, it was all Jasmine’s fault, just like the fortuneteller predicted twenty-four years before--she was meant to be the curse on the family. 

Jasmine took all her mother’s blame without a word. Deep in her heart, she felt guilty enough; she convinced herself that she should take sole responsibility for what had happened. If possible, if she could, she would trade her life to save her family from collapse. 

Zhao had been gone for more than one year; she never heard anything from him. Perhaps he died just like Leopard, perhaps he had changed his mind. Their relationship was confusing: He was the planner, she was the follower; he was the hunter, she was the prey. In some way, he was like Yu, whose comings and goings had never been her choice. And he was a selfish man too, as selfish as Yu—they both walked away from her. Zhao must have known what had happened to her family, but he remained silent and decided to send her back home alone, same as the divorce day when Yu didn’t enter her parents’ house. 

Yu told her that if she could, she should try to forgive him; and that morning Zhao also said that no matter what the situation was, she must forgive him. They all asked for her forgiveness yet disregarded whether she could give it or not. What difference did it make to them if she chose not to forgive? They were far gone, leaving her alone sitting in the darkness. To them, she was just a burden. No matter whether they loved her or not, they would never stop pursuing their own lives. 

Zhao was very smart; he always could find a lot of excuses in the name of love to explain himself away; indeed he didn’t intend to harm her family. However, the undeniable truth was, he withheld too many things from her in the first place, and he was a man who played with fire, a fire which caused her father’s death and her brother’s maiming!

Was that her fate? Or was that her fault? Or was every man just the same? What should a woman do to have a man’s soul and considerate love? Or was it just she who could never get it?

While considering these issues, Jasmine arrived at Bai’s grave. It stood lonesome among the others. She put down the umbrella, knelt on the wet grassy ground, and burnt all paper money. The black ashes flew around aimlessly in the drizzle, like unspoken words. Jasmine’s gaze followed them, then caught one blooming peach tree near the grave: It was in its best season; hundreds of flowers crowded on the branches, scrambling to show their charm, as if they would never have another chance to do it if they didn’t do it now. 

There was a man who promised that he would build a house for her in a place called Peach Blossom Dock, and that surrounding the house he would plant thirty acres of peach trees. If his promise could come true, if her father didn’t die, how wonderful life could be! Her father, her beloved father, at his death bed he was still calling her name! A deep sorrow arose from Jasmine’s heart. Everything had become irreversible even before she knew it! Now nobody else would protect her in the way her father had done! She burst into tears.

In the past one year, six persons had made proposals to her, yet all were declined by her mother. According to Shen, Zhao and Jasmine’s wedding was bullshit; she called him “liar” and swore that she would never let him marry her daughter. None of the six proposals was encouraging: They were from either small merchants or clerks, and some of them were widowers with children. Shen knew that her family had been downgraded and Jasmine was a divorced woman, so she shouldn’t have expected too much. But Jasmine’s beauty was the family’s last asset, she couldn’t afford to give it away easily; besides, she needed her daughter to do housework and take care of the family. If Jasmine had to marry someone, the only reason was that man could make an offer Shen could not refuse.

Shen waited patiently yet anxiously, like a hungry predator waiting for its prey to come in sight; like a flower for sale with limited time—A woman’s youth was short. One thing Shen didn’t know was, beside the six pursuers, Jasmine herself had rejected another one; he was an accountant in the pharmacy where Jasmine used to buy medicine for her mother. He was tall and shy,and he never spoke to Jasmine even once. But everyone who worked in that pharmacy seemed to know that he liked her, because each time she came, they would call his name immediately: “Wanshan, hurry, she is here!” 

To avoid the embarrassment, afterward Jasmine chose to walk for a longer distance to another pharmacy. One afternoon she came out late, and it was raining, so she decided to go to Wanshan’s shop. He was alone behind the counter. Upon seeing her, he moved his eyes away at once, but asked: “The same prescription?” After getting Jasmine’s confirmation, he started to weigh and pack the herbs skillfully. Jasmine paid the bill, and was about to go, he called her from behind: “Miss, may I have a word with you?”

They stood under the back eave of the shop. Large flocks of grey clouds hung low above the roof, and the rain kept dripping along the clay tiles to the ground of the little courtyard, pattering, pattering…He watched those clouds and spoke quietly: “My name is Wanshan Li, twenty-two, unmarried. My home is in a small town about twenty miles away from here. My father is a doctor there and owns a few pieces of land. I am his only son. This pharmacy owner is my father’s acquaintance; he sent me here for training so later I can run my own shop in my hometown. People told me that you are divorced, living with a disabled brother. I don’t mind any of this. I like you; I would like to take care of you as well as your family. My father won’t be a problem if I insist on marrying you. Then we can run our shop in the town and ask your brother to help us. That’s the best I can do for you. If it is worthy of your consideration, I will bid my father send a matchmaker to your house.”

He blushed while he was speaking. It was the second proposal which she had received in person, not as fancy as Zhao’s, but grounded and worthy of consideration. Jasmine looked at the same clouds that he was watching and replied, “Thanks for telling me this, I am very grateful. But I can’t accept it.” 

That was the end of the story between her and Wanshan. Since then, he disappeared from that pharmacy. Perhaps she had hurt him; a shy man like him needed to collect a lot of courage to speak those words; and his offer sounded very sincere. However, she knew that the best he could do for her wouldn’t satisfy her mother, and that it wouldn’t be easy for a father to accept his only son to marry a divorced heavily burdened woman, and that she did wed Zhao last Spring even though she told nobody but her mother and brother. Her life was like a muddy pond; she was full of guilt and even couldn’t help herself out of the mud. Thus, she couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t disturb another innocent man’s life. 

About the future, she didn’t know, nor had any way to figure it. The current life was tough; almost every day she worried about money and calculated each copper. Other than that, she was occupied by all kinds of work: Going to the market, bargaining with the street vendors, washing clothes, cooking the meals, cleaning the house… The daily trivia was exhausting yet exciting; some small things, like seeing yellow ducklings swimming in the pond, could make her super happy. It was a real life; she could touch its beating heart and scalding love. She no longer was that lady who all day long only stayed in her room; now she could go out freely, to meet people, to talk with them, to live among them. Her arms turned stronger; her legs walked faster; her appetite got better, and her sleep was sounder. She had become a useful, true person; she could not only take care of herself, but also her family, which had been unimaginable for her one year ago. 

There were many kinds of life, she couldn’t choose which one she would be led to since only God had that power; but at least right now, she worked hard and supported her family, thus her life was meaningful. She shouldn’t have felt self-pity; she shouldn’t have let those negative thoughts depress her. If her father’s spirit saw her cry, he must feel bad too.

Jasmine dried her eyes, poured some liquor on the remaining ashes stuck to the wet ground: “Father, don’t worry about us. I will do my best to care for the family.”